SELF DOUBT
What is the voice inside of me saying, and how is it making me feel?
There are moments when you know exactly what you want to do.
💫 Start a business.
💫 Pursue the position.
💫 Speak up in the meeting.
💫 Set the boundary.
💫 Leave the relationship.
💫 Put yourself out there.
💫 Finally pursue the thing you've been thinking about for years.
And then the voice starts.
Am I really ready?
Who am I to do this?
What if I fail?
What will people think?
Maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was.
Maybe I should wait.
This is self doubt.
You've experienced it, and you are certainly not alone.
I see it in the women I meet. I have experienced it myself. And while we often associate self doubt with big, life-changing decisions, it shows up in much smaller ways too.
Self doubt influences what we say, what we don't say, the risks we take, the boundaries we set, the relationships we stay in, and how willing we are to pursue the things that matter to us and how we feel about ourselves.
Sometimes, it is barely noticeable and if we are not careful, it can run our entire life.
Self Doubt goes by many names
Imposter Syndrome
Perfectionism
Overthinking
Analysis paralysis
Fear of Failure
Fear of Judgement
Second Guessing
Playing Small
We tell ourselves we're simply being realistic, we're doing more research, we're being responsible, we're making sure we've thought it through - and sometimes, we are.
Self-doubt isn't inherently bad.
In fact, a little self-questioning can be useful. It can encourage us to pause, prepare, consider another perspective, or recognize where we still have something to learn.
It’s important to distinguish the difference between when self doubt as the voice we automatically believe or self doubt as the voice that gives us perspective.
The big question is, "What have I practiced so often that it now feels automatic?"
Women, We Have Some History Here.
For many women, confidence is a complicated thing. From a young age, we receive messages about what it means to be a "good" girl or a "good" woman.
Be confident, but not over-confident.
Speak up, but don't be difficult.
Know your worth, but don't brag.
Be successful, but don't make anyone else uncomfortable.
Have an opinion, but don't be too opinionated.
Take up space, but make sure everyone else is comfortable with the amount of space you're taking.
We’ve learned that confidence has a social cost.
A 2024 meta-analysis examining 115 effect sizes and more than 42,000 participants found that women reported higher levels of impostor phenomenon than men on average.
Research published in the American Economic Review in 2024 found that gender differences in confidence can influence how evaluators perceive women, even when those confidence differences are expected.
As women, feeling less confident isn’t simply something we imagine.
The messages we receive, the environments we move through, and the consequences we anticipate influence how comfortable we become with trusting and expressing ourselves.
Because if you've spent years learning to question whether you're being "too much," it can become surprisingly difficult to recognize when you're simply enough.
What Does Self-Doubt Actually Feel Like?
We often talk about self-doubt as though it exists entirely in our heads.
True, it starts there - but our thoughts influence our feelings, and our feelings show up physically.
It's the knot in your stomach before you have the conversation.
The tightness in your chest before you speak.
The racing thoughts that make a simple decision feel enormous.
The shoulders that creep toward your ears.
The breath you realize you've been holding.
The restless feeling that sends you back to the same decision for the tenth time.
Self-doubt can feel like anxiety, uncertainty, embarrassment, shame, frustration, discouragement, hesitation, or feeling stuck.
Sometimes it feels like you are suddenly very small in a room where you were perfectly capable five minutes ago.
And sometimes, you don't recognize any of it as self-doubt.
You simply think:
I'm tired.
I'm overthinking.
I don't know what I want.
Something just doesn't feel right.
Our bodies give us information before we've fully put words to the experience.
Which brings us back to the voice inside our heads.
What If You Gave Yourself a Different Voice?
This doesn't mean replacing every negative thought with an overly enthusiastic affirmation that you don't believe.
You don't have to stand in the mirror and declare that you're the greatest woman who has ever lived - although, if that works for you, carry on!
Instead, try something more believable.
💥 I haven't done this before, but I can learn.
💥 I don't know everything, and I don't need to.
💥 I am allowed to take up space.
💥 I can make a mistake and still be capable.
💥 I don't need everyone's approval to know what feels right for me.
💥 I can be proud of myself without diminishing anyone else.
💥 I don't have to feel completely confident before I begin.
Now, how do you feel?
Confidence Isn't the Absence of Self-Doubt
We sometimes imagine confident people as people who never question themselves. They appear to know exactly what they're doing, they aren't afraid, and they don't second-guess themselves.
They walk into the room completely certain.
What presents as confidence is the result of identifying self doubt and deciding not to allow it to automatically stop you.
You can be nervous and still speak.
You can be unsure and still decide.
You can be afraid of failing and still try.
You can wonder whether you're good enough and still give yourself permission to find out.
You can become confident without becoming someone you don't recognize.
You don't have to become louder.
You don't have to become boastful.
You don't have to stop caring about other people.
You don't have to become "too much."
You can simply become more willing to hear your own voice.
Quality of Life Practice
What Is Your Inner Voice Saying?
The next time you feel the familiar feelings of self doubt, take a moment to check in and ask yourself:
WHAT AM I THINKING?
This may be one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves.
Because thoughts happen quickly and we don't always stop to examine them.
A thought appears, a feeling follows, and before we know it, we're responding to the thought as though it were a fact.
I'm not qualified.
I'm probably going to mess this up.
Everyone else knows what they're doing.
I should wait until I have more experience.
I'm being selfish.
Maybe I'm making too big a deal out of this.
Who do I think I am?
Notice something about these statements - they sound like conclusions.
But they are thoughts. Thoughts that make us feel something about ourselves.
Your Thoughts Deserve to Be Heard. They Don't All Deserve to Be Believed.
This is where self-awareness becomes powerful.
Try listening to yourself.
Not judging.
Not correcting.
Just listening.
For one day, pay attention to the things you say to yourself when you're making decisions, taking risks, interacting with other people, or considering something you really want, and notice how they make you feel.
Write them down.
You may be surprised by how often the same thoughts appear.
Then ask yourself:
💭 Is this true?
💭 Is this helpful?
💭 Would I say this to someone I love?
And perhaps most importantly:
💭 Is this actually my voice?
Because sometimes the voice we hear inside our heads has been assembled over years.
From parents.
Teachers.
Partners.
Bosses.
Friends.
Culture.
Past experiences.
Expectations.
Failure.
Comparison.
Somewhere along the way, we stopped questioning where it came from.
What If You Didn't Have to Figure It Out Alone?
Self-doubt doesn't necessarily keep us from achieving. Many of us accomplish extraordinary things while carrying a constant undercurrent of uncertainty, comparison, and second-guessing.
How do you want to feel inside the life you've worked so hard to create?
If you still find yourself questioning whether you're doing enough, being enough, or making the right choices, Quality of Life Coaching may be a great fit for you. The coaching process creates space to slow down, recognize the patterns influencing your decisions, challenge the thoughts that no longer serve you, and build a stronger sense of trust in yourself.
Because success is wonderful - but feeling good inside the life you've created matters too.
Ready to journey away from self doubt and towards a live that feels good to live?
Schedule a Discovery Chat and let’s spend a quick virtual call exploring how Quality of Life Coaching can change the way you’re currently experiencing life.
👉🏽 Book a time HERE. I look forward to meeting you.
Written by: Chelsea Espinoza, M.C.P.C. | QUALITY of LIFE Coach
